so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
