enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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