My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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