I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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