On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
