My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
