he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
