i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
