If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
