Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
