In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
