Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it's like iHOP with fire
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hippo gnu deer
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
