I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
