worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
