Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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