i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
