I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
