my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
