I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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