Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
