Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
