im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
