Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
