When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
