Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
