I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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