Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All the doctor said was why
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