Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just pee around me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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