im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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