If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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