he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
