I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
