So drunk its hurt
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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