I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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