Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
