ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
