So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
