You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
