I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
