Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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