A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
