Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
