He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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