Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
