I wish I could teleport
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
