Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
