fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
