what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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