hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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