The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
