I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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