Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
